Don’t go down that road. Really, you don’t have to.

I love that by writing down my thoughts on all of my “superpowers” I have to hold myself accountable. And sometimes, tbh, I really suck at it. It’s so easy to spout all of this off but, honestly, when I look back over the last few years these are the things that work for me. I genuinely hope they bring movement, light or whatever you may need more of in your life.

So, last night we celebrated my daughter’s sweet sixteen birthday and what a totally fun, peaceful night it was. This morning as I woke up, I started to recount the night. We went to her favorite restaurant over in Quechee, Vermont. Lausen  was radiant and in a good mood. After we settled in, her biggest sister surprised her from Massachusetts. (A perfectly executed surprise I might add.) It was a really fun evening. Great food and great atmosphere, situated over a frothing waterfall on the Ottauquechee river. We had fun conversation catching up, preparing for our upcoming trip to Mexico in May and really just celebrating this amazing young woman that is emerging from a year that has been nothing short of shitty.

As I woke up this morning, I started to replay the evening in my head. But the scene playing in my head this morning was not the scene as it really played out last night. Instead of looking over and seeing Alexis walk around the corner as she came in to surprise Lausen, I am envisioning  Alexis and Cameron walking around the corner. Linked arms and their heads tossed back laughing, conspirators because they knew how happy their baby sister would be once she caught sight of them. Both of the girls glowing, in their super high heels and sophisticated shifts, Cameron with her striking dark hair and Alexis’ golden hair radiating like a halo….Wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!

I am imagining now Wile E. Coyote as he is chasing the Roadrunner fast approaching a cliff or some other ridiculous obstacle that, of course, since he has so much momentum, he is going to slam directly into it. His front legs are outstretched and back legs are frantically back peddling to stop. Cartoon dust is kicking up all over the place. But as we all know, or at least those of us who are old enough to know who Wile E. Coyote is, he will fall off the cliff  or slam smack dab into the wall or whatever because physics would say that his kinetic energy (mass and velocity) made it impossible for him to gain traction and stop the impact/fall.

It is amazing what goes on in my mind in the wee hours of the morning. Stay with me here.

As I am fantasizing about this scenario with Alexis and Cameron, I feel the veil of a dark shadow settle over what was a night close to perfect. For me, that distinct feeling settles in my chest. Reaching into my mental bag of “surthrival” tools (So cheesy, I know!)  I pull out what I would have to consider the most valuable and probably my first ever super power.

The power to change the direction and trajectory of my thoughts.

I liken it to traveling southbound on Route 89. (I actually envision this in my head because at that time in my life I traveled the 89 corridor between DHMC and New London daily) As I come around the bend north of Grantham there is an exit. I mentally put on my directional to exit off the highway but I realize that if I go down that exit ramp, it will take me to a dark place. So, I turn off my directional and keep heading down the road that I was on. That’s a little mental routine that has been happening to me for twenty years now. Little did I know that it would come in handy so far down the road.

In every aspect of our life we have the opportunity to “what if” or “if only” ourselves to death.  “What if”, in the context of aspiration and vision, can be a powerful tool to propel us forward. If used in the other direction, in retrospect, it can propel us back to a place of pain and worry and act as a barrier to moving forward.

What if Cameron had been alive and was able to surprise her sister for her birthday? Well, that would have been magical. But she cannot because she is dead and it hurts to feel the loss.  I can keep inching down that road and add another layer of hurt when I think about never seeing her face again or hearing her voice. And she will never surprise any of us again. She will not witness any of the joyful moments of her sister’s life. You see where I am going with this? It is a dangerous and slippery slope.

Some other thoughts that really have no helpful purpose in our brains might be:

• If only I had done X,Y and Z my life would be so (insert delightful positive adjective here)___________.

• If only I was ten/ twenty /thirty pounds thinner I would be so much happier, more lovable, more popular.

• If only I had not met _________my life would have been so much better, less painful, peaceful.

• If only my loved one had not died I would not feel this pain and life would be the same.

• There are a million more…
  

I am guilty of all of the above. These are silly tricks the mind plays on us and serve only to spin us into a  circular vortex of despair.  Before you know it, the negative thoughts start to mount and fall into the bottom of the vortex, trapped in the spin, they cannot get out. You cannot get out of the negative spin.  

Mindfulness and the ability to stay present in any given moment is powerful tool. Allowing thoughts, as they come in, to occupy space and determining how useful they are to you in that moment, is a skill. We are all in control of what we allow to take up residence in our minds.

I am not trying to oversimplify here but it is true! I swear!

We control the spin of our vortex. We have the power to turn off the blinker and head on in another direction if the rhetoric inside our head in not serving us well and is unhealthy. We can veer and not go there at all or we can observe the information and turn it into an action item instead or, even better, how about starting a little healthy debate with yourself and sending that thought packing forever? That way, when the thought returns and starts the flow of negative feelings you can re-address it..”Hey..I thought we put this one to bed?” and move on with your day.

Some thoughts need to be bundled up and saved for another time. When I am at work staring down the barrel of a deadline, it is not the time to start marinating on the fact that two of my three kids have died. They deserve the honor of being remembered at a time that I can give full attention to the thoughts. It’s okay to fold them up and pull them out when the time is right and you need to honor the hurt. For me that is important because the hurt is a part of who I am, it is not who I am, but it adds depth to the tapestry that makes me, me!

The first challenge is to pay attention. Are you paying attention to your thoughts? Are there thoughts currently ruminating in your head that are not serving you well and not allowing you to be present in this day? Are the thoughts preventing you from paying attention to the beauty and goodness that is around you? So, what do you need to do to make space in your head?

• Address it and bundle it up for another, more appropriate time?

• Turn on the blinker and simply not allow yourself to go down that road?

• Debate the thought and put it away for good?.

• Allow yourself to feel the thought and then let it pass through. (The trick is to not allow it to take root.)
  

The downside (not really) to starting this blog and a side product of being me is that I have to hold myself accountable and, if I am going to be totally transparent, I am stuck right now and really need to dig down and ask myself these questions! Text messages about being an asshole, a mother!@&*ing piece of shit and being cruel came my way this week and I need to get to work on how I am going to process these fabulous morsels of information! Stay tuned!!

I think for me when I am in a bad place or stuck in the vortex it can be overwhelming because I feel that big problems need big solutions! Truthfully, in my experience, it is the smallest shifts and changes that have had the biggest impact over time. With practice, the shifts become habits and are sustainable because they become a part of who you are. Start small, hold yourself accountable and be kind with yourself on your journey.