Survival 101-Breadcrumbs and Boxes

Looking around my office at the photos of my family, I try not to notice that some of them are fading. For the newer ones that are digital, I am not worried. But when I look at those that are much older and were processed old school style, my heart is heavy. I can’t reproduce those as easily, if at all.

Admittedly this week is a slippery slope so I may be a tad bit more melancholy than usual. Try as I may, the countdown to anniversaries still affects me. Not so much the distant ones but Cameron’s death is still very fresh in my heart. They found her body on February 19, 2020. I am still learning to live without her. My memory still replays the days leading up to and the events afterwards with heartbreaking clarity.

F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.

As the days march towards her anniversary, my internal voice is doing a sad countdown to the last minutes of her life. I know the last minutes of her life were filled with rage and violence. That is a hard one not to perseverate on.

But like the photos that I mentioned above, one of the scariest feelings that I have involves the fading of the memories that are mundane. A blurring of the edges of those little things that I completely took for granted.

Her laugh.

The feel of her delicate wrist as I reach over in the car. I don’t know why I always did that. Not a big gesture but something that has always grounded me when I’ve needed to feel connection to my daughters.

The sound of her voice thanking me for being her mom and telling me how much she misses me.

I should’ve realized it when my feet hit the floor this morning. It was like walking into a wall of mud and I could not see through to any light. The emotions are consuming me.  Sneaky little bastards.

I am reaching into my bag of tricks desperately trying to find the tools to just get me through the freaking week. Here is what I’ve got today.

Breadcrumbs

I am a creature of habit to the core. Most days I do not really think about my habits and routines. Some are quirky. Some are necessary. But at the end of the day they have consistently helped me to move beyond the fog (mud wall) when I have found myself in a similar frame of mind.

I think of them as trails of breadcrumbs, not for the purpose of finding my way back to someplace like ill- fated Hansel and Gretel, but for the purpose of finding my way forward. These breadcrumbs, or snacks as my little one calls them, can be the breadcrumbs to either my soul, my goal or just surviving the day.

During the times of emotional paralysis I mentally lay out the breadcrumbs that need to be in front of me. For example:

1. GET OUT OF BED and make it!

2. Grab a shower (not a bath).

3. Nourish my body.

4. Exercise

5. Pick one small task to accomplish.

I know it seems basic. And your list might be totally different than mine. But sometimes basic is good and it gives me not only a sense of accomplishment but often the nudge of momentum that gets me rolling towards a higher degree of productivity. As backwards as it may seem, sometimes action comes first and motivation follows.

But first, you must identify the action. I don’t care how small and insignificant it may seem. Sometimes the small things are all that we can do but it is the small things that can add up to create progress before you even know progress is happening!

Taking it a step further, why not apply this concept to your soul goals? On a larger scale, identifying those steps that you might take to move you to a place of transcending the trauma, hurt or other life circumstances that you believe are defining you. (See what I did there? That YOU believe are defining you. The events don’t define you, they are just events. Your response to the event is far more defining.)

Think of death by a thousand cuts. Stay with me here. In essence, lots of small bad things happening, none of which are fatal in and of themselves, but which add up to a slow and painful demise. That’s not a good thing.  It’s like before you know it a series of small shitstorms have accumulated into something all-together unmanageable. The issues, when isolated, are manageable but as they accumulate, there is no way out of the situation. The very essence of the phrase says it all.

So let’s flip that. What’s the opposite of death? Birth? Beginning? Genesis? Life?

Birth by a thousand breadcrumbs? Success by a thousand snacks? You get what I mean, right? What steps do you need to take to get to the person that you want to be? The person that you need to be.  What steps do you need to take to move beyond this temporary (or maybe not so temporary) emotional paralysis? 

Baby steps my friend. Baby steps. Create the structural tension necessary to connect the person that you are now to the person that you want to be.  Establish the relationship between your vision or goal and your current reality. Write it down and plot that plan out. Just one idea at a time. See where the next step takes you. Before you know it you have momentum, you have power, and you have hope.

Beautiful boxes

Another trick in my bag of essentials are my beautiful boxes. I love pretty boxes and containers. I know, I know..they are just compartments. Sometimes dolled up and pretty like a gift. Sometimes a utilitarian plastic storage box. Regardless of the exterior, think of the magic that a box can hold.  Old photos, children’s art, family keepsakes or priceless letters. The point being that they can be vessels to all that is valuable and sacred. So why not for your most valuable emotions?

I like to think of my mind as a complex filing system. So is yours. Mine used to hold many envelopes and files. Now it contains beautiful boxes. Why beautiful boxes?  Because it’s my brain and I am in control of creating the visual that goes along with the narrative. That’s why!

The wall of mud of which I spoke earlier. The one that prevents even the tiniest sparkle of hope from streaming in? This week it is caused by the tangle of emotion that has started creeping in as this anniversary draws near.

Anger, frustration and fragile, delicate sadness to name a few. But there are many emotions. I am sure you’ve heard it before. Let the feelings wash over you and let them go.  While I agree that it is important to them flow and not to marinate in them, letting them go is quite a feat. And should you let them go entirely?

That is where my mental boxes come in handy. I can identify and lovingly pack up the feelings that are contributing to the wall of mud and current paralysis. Even the act of acknowledging each emotion for what it is and identifying where it stems from is helpful to me. It creates order. I can sort which boxes the emotions need to be placed in allowing for some rays of light to penetrate the mud.

This also allows me the opportunity to open up each box when I am in the right headspace and have the time to address and honor each emotion. The good, the bad and the ugly.  They are all valid and I have earned them. It is my responsibility to manage each one at a time when it does not interfere with the daily flow of life. 

Just writing this down is reinforcing why and how these tools are helpful. And why I need them now, just like I do every day, when the aftermath of life’s shituations makes an appearance.

Yes. As experienced as I am at this by now, anniversaries are hard. While some of the memories are getting a little bit fuzzy around the edges, the love I have for my girl rages on inside. A quote from a book by Molly Fumia called Safe Passage:

“I need only to look inside. I will find you there, bright and whole, shining steady at the end of a silver thread of love that will connect us forever to the most powerful truth that has ever been or will ever be.”

The most powerful truth that can never be extinguished. Momma love.

Go easy on yourselves as anniversaries and other challenges present themselves to you. Figure out how to organize the flood of emotions. Focus on the path in front of you to lift you up out of your emotional paralysis and towards the light of the day.