Peace over drama. Distance over disrespect.
- Suzy Easterling-Wood
- Apr 1, 2021
- 5 min read
So, I didn’t blog yet this week because I’ve been marinating over a situation that really sucks. It is the hard stuff that I need to write about. Had I written something last week I am pretty sure it would have been melodramatic and neurotic. I am a little bit further away from it now and I believe it’s an important topic to look at in order to preserve ourselves as we are going through hard times.
Truth be told, only 2 of my family members are speaking with me at this time. There are six people in my family. It’s been a few weeks. I was salty about it. Now I am just sad. Not in a “woe-is-me” victim kind of way. More in a visceral, this-just-stinks kind of way.
And all because I set a boundary. Go figure!
I posted a blog, not hard to find because I’ve only done 3, about those cliché’s that are well intended that can be hard to hear at times. Another cliché that doesn’t quite rest with me is the adage that “blood is thicker than water”. For those that can identify with that saying, that is wonderful. But there are instances, much as we’d like it to be that way, that family are not always the people that are there to support us in difficult times. Sometimes our families simply do not have the tools to effectively help us through those defining moments in our lives that are hard or transformative.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to say that in some situations when we make life changes or when life changes us, we can expect some relationships to falter. You cannot force people to accept who you are. You certainly can’t force people to accept, for example, a divorce or a significant life change that you are working on or how you are working through it.
Think about an event in your life. Could be big, could be little. When you think about the people around you at that time, did they support and encourage you though that event?
Ultimately, I believe what it comes down to is setting limits and establishing boundaries with people.
Boundaries you say? Just what might these boundaries that you speak of be?
According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology a boundary is the following:
a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group that helps a person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.
Yup. It is the line in the sand that we draw to protect ourselves from harm, shenanigans or bullshit that others may inflict on us. And they sure can get messy.
Some people are good with boundaries. Some, not so much. By far the toughest part of setting boundaries is identifying that when we set them, they have absolutely nothing to do with the other person. That is where I think we get stuck the most. I agonize over this. Setting boundaries is about what we are willing to do within a relationship. How much you are willing to be engaged, in what context, the level of trust and intimacy that you are willing to be open to? It is knowing yourself well enough to know what you are capable of and being able to say yes, I do love/ care/like you, but I am just not able to be in this relationship the way you want me to be. X-Y-Z is what I need to be healthy in this relationship. And then just leave that there for the other person to process/ accept/reject.
When you set boundaries with people it accomplishes a few things.
It forces us to take a look inwards and identify those things that we need/don’t need within a relationship.
It gives us the opportunity to let others know what we are capable of providing within the context of a relationship.
Provides internal guidance when things are not going right within a relationship.
Boundaries allow us, and this is important, to say “no” to what may not be healthy for us, which in turn, allows us to say “yes” in the most honest and genuine manner. When you know you have the option to say “no”, it opens all sorts of doors.
Sounds easy, right? It can be extraordinarily difficult, especially if you are the type of person that is very invested in pleasing others or keeping the peace, even if it is at your own emotional expense. But I promise it gets easier.
The beauty of boundaries is that once you’ve nailed it, it’s a skill that never leaves. If again you find you are in a situation where something just isn’t vibing right with a person, take a peek inside again and figure out what is not working for you. When you draw a line in the sand and someone steps over it, either you or the other person, you notice the discomfort.
In a perfect situation, the other person is in the same or a similar place as you, you can work through it in a mutually respectful manner and move your relationship on to a super healthy level.
Maybe the other person wants nothing to do with your emotional growth spurt and will choose to walk away. Ouch, but you’re likely better off in the long run.
Or the other person may refuse to accept your limits and wage battle on your soul. And take anyone that is willing to listen, along with them in the process. (So maybe still a little melodramatic.)
I find myself currently behind door #3.
I learned so much about myself after the death of my son so many years ago. When Cameron died last year, I had to re-learn some things about myself. Some good and some not so good. I learned that I had to set limits and boundaries to preserve my sanity and to protect my heart. My heart is broken and likely functioning in a limited capacity as it heals. I must conserve the energy that I have to heal myself and my daughter. Which means I am limited in what I have to offer others. I was honest and kind to those that I love and conveyed what I needed. The elements necessary for me to engage are simple, honesty, authenticity and acceptance. Anything less and I am out.
And so I am out. I set a limit based on my internal core. It is painful that it was rejected. That I am now rejected. There is a time to be kind and compassionate. Then the time comes to say “I cannot do this anymore.”
I am lucky and I am surrounded with the love of those that get me and accept the parameters of what I need and what I have to offer, which is my most raw, vulnerable and authentic self. I am sad but I understand. I might be too much for some people but I am at peace with who I am.
Look inside. What is working for you? What needs to change in order for you to be your most authentic self within your relationships? What is the give and take? Are you giving too little or too much of yourself and if so, why?
We only get one chance at living our life. So much of how we go through life is dependent upon how we choose to look at the world. And who we choose to surround ourselves with. Sometimes what is right for you, is not right for others and both are okay if communicated with kindness and understanding.
Here is a good read that I stumbled on this morning that is very relevant!
❤❤❤
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