Pearls of Wisdom from the Internet. No, Seriously!!

I don’t know about you, but I have a ton of memes etc. on my phone with both salty and sage sayings that I have been saving up for I am not sure what. The salty ones are the one’s that I see and immediately get paranoid and think..oh God..are they talking about me? Or those that you face palm and think why?? Why did they post that? You know the ones that I mean? Those posted only to stir the drama pot and illicit a response from the masses?

But the sage ones? I must say that there is some seriously deep stuff posted out there on the vast internet. I feel no shame in admitting that some of these little sayings and mantras get me through the day.

I just returned from Mexico and a long overdue wedding that was postponed due to the pandemic. It was a magical time with family and new friends. I took a ton of pics and I need to do some cleaning out of my phone storage, so what a great opportunity to share some sage memes and sentiments! I do not take credit for the sayings and I am thankful that people have shared their insights and put into words some poignant pearls of wisdom. So lets go!

No, no, no..I am just kidding! That’s a salty one.

“Do not be dismayed by the brokenness in the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time as they say, but with intention.“

While not all things can be mended,  we can “mend” how we live through a situation. It is really the latter part of this saying that resonates with me. Time does nothing but tick away the minutes of our life. If we do not apply intention to our healing process, which is no small feat, we stagnate. Healing has to be an action word. I think that sometimes we just magically expect healing to happen. I say Nay Nay! Nothing changes if we do not put energy into making peace with our situations. We have to allow room to heal and grow. Time will pass by no matter what.

I am not just talking about the loss of a loved one. I am referring to the loss of a marriage, friendship or dreams and expectations.

As the magnitude of my son’s situation started to unfurl at 6 weeks old, it was as though a series of little deaths occurred. The death of literally all that I had hoped for my child. He was blind, non-verbal, would never walk or be able to sit on his own. He would never say mommy. Or throw a tantrum. Or fall and skin his knee. Or catch fireflies in a jar on a hot summer night.  You get the point.

Once I discovered that his life would be dramatically abbreviated, I made the decision to spend as much time as I could with him. I quit my job and the deathwatch began. Mind you, at that point in time, I had no idea if he would live to be 2 or 20. I just knew that his prognosis was highly unfavorable. Rather than appreciating the time that we had together, it became heavy and overwhelming.

Everyday was long and laden with the thoughts of what would never be. What I had intended to be a magical time with my son was, in short, a disaster.

“..we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.”– Haruki Murakami

Which was exactly what I was doing. So I had to shift gears.  I went back to work. I re-engaged in living life to its fullest with him.  Rather than looking at his total disability as a barrier to doing the things that our family loved, we just packed him up and off we went. It wasn’t always easy but with intent and determination his life then became a series of little victories, not one continuous catastrophic loss. It was then that I could then more fully appreciate his soft, warm cheek pressed to mine. His soft coos and giggles. His increasingly constricted body melting into mine as we slowed down at the end of the day.

Take a look at where you are right now, in this moment. Is this where you want to be? Is it a job or toxic relationship?  Are you facing a potential loss? Change in any situation takes thought, planning and implementation. Get the ball rolling towards mending what hurts you. Sometimes you can’t change the “shituation”, but you most certainly can change your perception and that is priceless. Baby steps my friend. And please remember…

“There is no shame in making mistakes while trying to figure things out. The goal is to live a fulfilling life, not a perfect one.”

I know that you feel me here. It is okay. We all have to fucking suck it up on some days and just get through it. Some people are way better at playing the fake-it-till-you-make-it game. I might not be the master, but I’d arm wrestle anyone for the title.

A few weeks ago we went to a doctor’s appointment with my daughter’s pediatrician. The tech who guided us in was new. She did not know our history with the pediatrician and that we’d lost not just one but two siblings. As she asked Lausen her initial questions, she asked about who she resided with and how many siblings she had. Lausen hesitated and said “none.”

Seriously, from a mom perspective, it does not get any heavier than that. Kind of like in the movie “The Blind Side” when Big Mike says he’s never had a bed and Leeann Tuohy leaves the room and almost loses her shit.  I could not let it show that my heart was literally breaking for my daughter when she said that.

On most days, and this is the truth, I spend my time suspended between two worlds. One foot firmly planted in this world with my one remaining child. And the other, firmly planted in the place where my other children are. I am not suicidal. However, I have no fear of death and the pull to be with my other children is always present. I don’t necessarily believe that they are in heaven. I just know that they are not here. You would never know this about me because I choose to be here in both body and mind. I am committed to showing my one remaining child how good life can be even after a series of completely devastating events.

The trick is to share the burden. Be human. Fall apart when you need to. Be vulnerable and ask for what you need from those that you can trust with your heart. I know. I know. It is so hard! I am not so good at it because I like the world to think I am a middle-aged-badass-warrior-Goddess. Which I am. But a vulnerable one.

Find people and outlets that soothe your soul. Try to avoid those situations that are toxic and harmful to you. Watch for dangerous coping mechanisms that emerge. Be kind to yourself.

“there is no normal life that is free from pain.”- Mr. Rogers

Lets face it. None of us are exempt. I think back to a few defining moments in my life and how, at that time, I thought that my life was over.

When I found out that, at 6 weeks old, my baby boy’s brain had already started to atrophy, I could not imagine how life could possibly go on. I was fortunate to have another 5 years to love on my little man but at that moment, I thought life was over.

When I found my skeevy ex-husband’s e-mail message to another woman (just the tip of the iceberg, I promise you) asking her sexually explicit questions after having survived the death of our son, again, life felt like it was over.

Ten plus years later another defining moment occurred when I learned that my daughter’s dead body had been found in a hotel in Portland, Oregon. I knew that there were some impossibly tough days ahead.  I also knew that I would survive. The difference between this and the first two examples is that now I understand that I have the power of choice.

Have you ever bumped up against someone that is so full of hurt and anger over what, in your opinion, is trivial and small? Conversely, have you ever crossed paths with one of those people that have lived through unimaginable loss and are still smiling and radiating light?

None of us is exempt from pain and suffering. We all experience defining moments, both good and bad and some people inexplicably experience more. But it is all relative in the context of the lives that we live. How do those who have suffered disproportionately, thrive through the adversity?  I believe that it is the knowledge that we have the power to control how we react in and after difficult times. That does not mean its all sunshine and light and your pain magically disappears. It is knowing that behind the clouds there is light waiting to emerge again.

“You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.”

Life is messy. Healing is messy. Messing up is messy. Just when you think you’ve got your “shituation” by the tail, it sometimes takes another veer and you are back to square one. But are you really? I don’t think so at all. Take stock in where you are and even if it is not where you want to be, just the process of looking at yourself and your patterns, is a huge step.

Just when I regained my balance after losing Cray, my marriage shit the bed in a most colossal way. Fast forward ten years later, I have a solid marriage, good job and my kids are okay. Then the unimaginable happens and Cameron dies.

My fluffy little fucker wandered off and got into some shit. I miss her desperately. The fallout is admittedly devastating, but I am okay.

I want to inspire people. I want someone to look at me and say “because of you I didn’t give up.”

I believe that God has a sense of humor and I am a strong believer in signs.  If I don’t tell my stories, what I have learned, he will continue to add to them until I get the message. And that’s where the inspire part comes in. The past, and the events of my life, do not define me. I define me. Every morning when I see the light of day, I am a blank slate.  I want to be so much better at the things that I have chosen for me in my life. I chose to be a mom and a wife.

I want to inspire my one remaining child, my 3 to 1, to live a life of purpose and peace. To learn and grow through the defining events in her life. And to offer hope to anyone who has taken time out of their day to read this. There is hope even in the most painful, dark moments. The sudden inexplicable events and the situations in which we feel we simply cannot go on another day. There is always hope if we are open to the light that surrounds us. On that note my final meme..

“I just need to get my shit together” -me in 2008/2012/this time last year/a minute ago/probably next year/next life

Go easy on yourself. This is the one life that you have no matter what has been thrown at you. Make it count and don’t forget to laugh.