Would you like to see my glowing balls?

It sure has been a while since I’ve written anything! It’s been a busy couple of years full of growth, good stuff and navigating the unexpected shape of our new life. Not always easy but good. From three to one right? Anniversaries and milestones are always thought provoking times and December 2023 marked the end of an era that began in 1995. Just shy of 30 years, it’s hard to believe it’s over. The chapter began with two notable phrases.

 1. May I see your license and registration?

 2. I just wanted to show you my glowing balls.

And it ended with a final child support check and considerable sadness. Not sadness for the end of our relationship, that ship sailed years ago, but for the immeasurable hurt he caused my daughters and the  on-going tragedy that is my ex-husbands life. He has been married and divorced 2 times since our divorce in 2010. Both, much like our divorce, filled with violence, restraining orders and a couple of arrests. Dang. I honestly feel sorry for him.

Initially I met my ex-husband on a traffic stop when I was visiting NH in 1988. He pulled me over for speeding, gave me a whopping ticket and sent me on my way only to pull me over every day for the remainder of that visit. One day he followed me home (I know! I know! SO many red flags) and tore up the ticket. After a week I left and went back to Colorado mildly creeped out by this geeked out super cop.  

Fast forward 7 years and I am back in the area for what was supposed to be one year. This same cop pulled over my sister-in-law, who was visiting for a couple of days, about 1 mile from where he pulled me over in ’88. (What are the odds??) He saw her name on the license and asked about me. She told him I was living in the area and the pursuit began. I am a big believer of signs and felt that our paths crossed so many times that he must be the person I was supposed to marry! (SMH)  4 years later, ignoring every red flag known to woman, I married him.  Cameron was born in 1999, Cray in 2002 and Lausen in 2005. Cray died in 2006 and after that, all hell broke loose.

I’ve always felt that death, adversity, change etc. has a tendency to bring out the best or the worst in people. Healthy or unhealthy, those habits/activities/crutches that we gravitate to when times are calm, are sometimes amplified when things go south.  When Cray died I felt so many things. I ached for my baby boy. I felt relief that he was no longer in pain. I felt thankful that I was with him every moment of his passing and honored that he chose to do so in my arms.

My ex did not embrace the experience quite like I had and those “things” that I referred to above took him down a path of, for lack of a better word, destruction.  Research varies pretty significantly when looking at divorce rates in families that have lost a child but it does appear that rates are definitely higher than those couples not experiencing a child’s death.  I am not surprised at all. As humans grieving, the journey is so personal and everyone has a path that they have to follow. The process most definitely can trigger the re-surfacing of pre-existing issues within the context of a marriage. For my ex the pre-existing issues were alcohol and infidelity. Don’t get me wrong, I believe these were issues all along, I just didn’t know it. 

It took a couple of years after Cray died for things to really fall apart and this began with my discovery of a “relationship” in Massachusetts. This was the first thread that started unraveling the tapestry that was our marriage. Much like a tapestry, it looked great from the front but clearly was a hot freaking mess from behind. Then it was the 16 year old. Then it was my next door neighbor.   After that, you could not swing a dead cat without hitting someone who had a story about my ex and his conquests. It felt like everyone knew except me.

If that had been all, it would have been fine. Just the sad demise of a relationship.  I stayed for 7 months in an effort to salvage the marriage, we went to marriage counseling and it’s hard to even explain the downward spiral that occurred during that timeframe. Physical violence, alcohol fueled rages, gas lighting, threats of suicide and stalking. Every day was unpredictable and I never knew when that time might come when he would kill me or himself. Looking back, it was absolute insanity and I have no idea how we survived. As a woman and a mother I understood what being “scared to death” really meant.

Ultimately I received a call from his patrol partner urging me to leave because my ex was making no secret of his plans to hurt me, exact revenge etc. I left the next day with nothing but my daughters, dogs and cat not knowing that it was the beginning of a three year reign of terror for me and my daughters. There was simply no safe place to be where he would not find us. He waged a campaign to convince people that I was using drugs, I was unfaithful, that I beat him and that I killed our son. In short, he was a monster. He stalked us, broke into our home, tried to run me off the road on more than one occasion. There was no limit to his pathology in an attempt to exert power and control over me.

He took out his rage for me on our children. It was almost as though when he looked at them, especially Cameron, he saw my face. I fought and fought the courts. There was no shortage of horrific documented examples of the things he did to us, to them. But the courts still forced them to spend every other weekend and holidays with him. It was heartbreaking. Both of the girls cut off contact with him at around 15 year old. It was so painful for them. Because even when your parents are jerks, you still want them. You still hope that they will change. That, my friends, did not happen.

So why, you ask, am I telling you this and how on earth do glowing balls play a role in this scenario?

The first encounter that I had with my ex, after being pulled over numerous times, he showed up at the apartment where I was living and pulled a pair of glowing golf balls from behind his back. He had been playing night golf and he said he just wanted to “show me his glowing balls!” Throughout the years, while living through this volatile, dangerous divorce, people would often ask “Don’t you wish you’d never met him?”  I am sure there were moments when I might have wished that. But latching on to the “if onlys” and the “what ifs” can take us down a very slippery slope.  Those questions for me inevitably lead to feelings of regret and despair that things could have been different “if only”.  While there might be some truth in that, there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change that chapter of my life. Why consciously torture myself? I think I’ve had enough challenge in life. I certainly don’t need to be heaping any more on to my life resume!

What are your “if onlys” and “what ifs”?  How are those thoughts serving you in times of adversity? Are they interfering with the progress you’ve made on your journey? Are they preventing you from taking even the smallest steps forward?

If only I had slammed the door on those glowing balls!

• I would not have become a victim of domestic violence.

• I would have been able to protect my children from all of the pain and loss they suffered.

• My children might still be alive.
  

And what if I HAD slammed the door on those glowing balls?

• I would not have my three beautiful children.

• I would not be the mom that I am today.

• I would not (maybe) have the ability to appreciate life as I do.

• I would not have the voice or the drive to help others through life’s “shituations”.

• I would not have the most amazing network of friends that I am so thankful for.

• I would not have the ability to let go and forgive.

• I simply would not be the person that I am today. And I like me.
  

I challenge you to flip the narrative if you find yourself ruminating in the land of “If Only” and “What Ifs”.  

It is not easy but I promise, with practice you can control the internal narrative in any situation. Every single day we have the opportunity to what if/if only ourselves to a point of paralysis. Flip the narrative and allow yourself the opportunity to relish in the goodness around you and in you. It is there, you just have to look for it.